'Bump and Grind' book review

Are you looking for a TTC book that’s funny and relatable? Bump and Grind says everything you have been thinking, from dealing with smug fertility goddesses to mundane baby making sex. Genevieve Morton takes an honest and humorous look at every heart-wrenching aspect of baby making.

There were plenty of times that I felt like she could have been inside my head, especially the line ‘But for the first time in my life I felt completely useless. I couldn’t fix this with my usual method (stress and overanalysis).'

Let’s face it, trying for a baby can be stressful and depressing and this book is a great pick me up from someone who has been there and done it. She speaks truthfully about her own fertility journey and offers some sound advice, as well as some great one-liners for anyone who tells you to relax!

Plus, the good news is, it has a happy ending! Genevieve is the proud mum to a healthy baby boy. She continually says 'Everything is going to be OK’ and surprisingly, by the end of the book, I started to believe her.

Buy Bump and Grind now!

This is essential bedside reading for anyone who is TTC.

TTC: A fresh start

Now my cysts have been removed and my ovaries have got a bit of breathing space, I am trying to put the last 14 months TTC behind me and see this as a fresh start.

The next few months I am going to stay positive, believe I can get pregnant, and try to stop obsessing like I have in the past. I have bought all sorts of TTC aids over the last year including:

*Ovulation predictor kits (OPKS)
*Pregnancy tests (ha, ha!) - both internet cheapies and the digital ones,
*Sperm friendly lubricant Pre-Seed
*Nutrition boosting conception vitamins
*TTC books - The Baby-Making Bible and Taking Charge Of Your Fertility
*Basal body thermometer to chart my cycles

Over the next few posts I am going to take a look at some of these and try and dish out some advice for those of you who are considering spending your hard earned money on them. I am also going to buy Bump & Grind which I've been recommended as a humorous take on TTC and we all need a little bit of humour in this process!

Laparoscopy advice

It's been 9 days since my laparoscopy and I am slowly beginning to join the real world again. The surgery went well, they removed both dermoid cysts, and the doctor said that everything looked good in there - no PCOS or endometriosis which is a relief.

They made once incision in my belly button, a few below my pubic line and another small one on the left of my belly, which I think was just for the drainage tube. I was under for about and hour and a half and then spent the night and most of the next day in hospital.

The first night was rough. They gave me morphine to combat the pain and then when I got up to use the bathroom I almost passed out and had to be wheeled back to bed. The next 5 days I slowly recovered my mobility but didn't leave the house and now I still have some pain and stiffness - especially at night - but I can get on with everyday life.

Here is some laparoscopy advice for anyone who is going in, to for dermoid cyst removal, or just for investigations:

*Ask questions - consultants have a tendency to skim over the details so don't be afraid to ask lots of    questions and make sure you are clear about what is happening

*Get used to waiting - You will probably be used to waiting already but once you get to hospital there is just more of it. I went in at 11.00am but didn't have my operation until 5pm

*Take time off - Everyone recovers differently but I would suggest clearing at least a week just to rest.

*Expect pregnant women - Because of the way the wards work you can be surrounded by pregnant women which can be a bit hard to deal with

Having a laparocopy hasn't been a pleasant experience but it's not really that bad and I am really glad my dermoid cysts are out and, hopefully, my body will be in a better position to get back to baby dancing.

Cysts and sisters!

Wow, it's been two months since my last post! So what's been happening? A holiday in Cornwall, a new car, but most importantly:

*My little sister is 4 months pregnant

*I'm going in for surgery tomorrow

I am sorry to admit that my first reaction when I found out my sister is pregnant wasn't 'what brilliant news' but 'it should be me'. I felt guilty feeling that way but it is really difficult to deal with. Knowing that she is going to give my Mum her first grandchild and all the baby 'firsts' from then on. I am happy for her and being supportive but it hurts and there is no escaping it.

This weekend was particularly difficult as I went home to see my sister and also went to a friend's 30th birthday who is pregnant too. There was another pregnant girl there, who conceived in a few months and a guy who only got married in January and his wife is already 4 months pregnant. I feel such a failure when everyone around me seems to have no trouble getting pregnant and it does, as crazy as it may sound to someone who hasn't experienced it, make me feel like less of a woman. 

I am having my laparoscopy tomorrow to remove my dermoid cyst and I just want to get it done now and hopefully get some answers about what's going on. I am not looking forward to the recovery but it has felt like everything has been on hold the last few months and I just want to get out the other side now. 

The positive side of this whole situation is how supportive and wonderful my friends and family have been. When I have told people about the surgery I have decided to explain about the TTC and having it out in the open has made it easier for me.

Hopefully I can start making some positive steps forward with TTC now and look forward to welcoming a niece of nephew in November. 

My timemachine

The spinning centre of the CT machine made me feel like I was in a time machine. The lights spun, the machine whirred and I imagined being transported far away.

Where would I go, forward or back? Back to when life was simpler and I still had all my hope intact. When I was oblivious to what was going on inside me. Or forward? I'm hoping that if I travelled forward I would see the happy ending. The family scene that makes all this worthwhile.

But for now, I'm stuck with the present.

Who's the daddy?

I'm watching Jeremy Kyle, always a bad idea. Why the hell can these teenage Chavs reproduce like rabbits and I can't?

In Limbo

I haven't posted in the last few weeks because I haven't really known what to say. It turns out I have cysts on both ovaries. On the left it is 5cm and the right 10cm. When I realised how big 10cm was it totally freaked me out - that's the size of a large orange! I have no idea where it can be hiding as my stomach is not that big.

I have had bood tests and am waiting on a CT scan but right now I just feel in limbo, not quite knowing what's going on.
My husband is a great support but still keeps talking about 'when' we have children. I believe we will have a family but everytime he says that something tenses inside me and I think the chances of 'when' are fading to 'if'.

The Gremlin

The good news is I'm not going to have to wait long for my results.

The bad news is, that's because they found something suspicious.

My doctor rang last night to tell me that the ultrasound showed a mass on my ovary that they need to investiagte. They think it is a dermoid cyst - a disgusting sounding thing that can grow its own hair and teeth! I've nicknamed it the gremlin. There is a very small chance it could be cancerous which means I get to skip the waiting lists and have an appointment with a consultant next Thursday.

To be honest, as silly as it may sound, this result has actually made me happier. It means I get seen quicker and that someone is now actually paying attention and can hopfeully help me. Of course I am a bit scared too. Not so much about the cancer possibility as I think this is highly unlikely, but that they may have to remove the cyst and possibly my ovary as well.

I am trying to stop my mind going into overdrive and worrying about all the possibilities.

Just taking baby steps (irony intended!) instead. 

The waiting game

I always thought my first trip to a maternity ward would be to joyously see my baby for the first time. Instead, I sat in a room full of pregnant women ready to excitedly see my cyst-covered ovaries!

Well, actually I didn't even get to see them as the ultrasound woman wouldn't tell me anything. Even more frustratingly she said 'there is definitely something going on there.' Great! Now I just have to wait for her to send the results to my GP so he can fill in the details.

I hate waiting at the best of times, so this protracted process is already driving me crazy. Sadly, I think we are probably just at the beginning of the waiting game as the lady also said I will probably need more tests.

When I see people who are pregnant or with babies I keep telling myself 'that's not your story' but I wish I knew what my story was.

Baby breakdown

My body was shaking and I fought back tears as my friend announced she was pregnant. I knew it was probably coming and had tried to psyche myself up for it but it still hit me like a ton of bricks. I managed to join in the congratulations and compose myself but as the baby talk continued my jealousy built and I finally broke down on another friend.

I am really happy for her but it simply brought home how not-pregnant I am and now, as she grows her bump and starts picking out baby names, it's only going to hit home more.

This is really hard.

A long term project

I think a lot of things in life come down to your mindset and how you choose to look at them.

The last few months I have been really anxious about trying for a baby and concentrating on the fact that we are swiflty approaching a year of babydancing.

Now I have changed my mindset and looking it as as a long term project. Our GP said that once a year is up he can refer us to a fertility specialist and if we have to go all the way to IVF it would normally take 18 months. If that doesn't work we would go for adoption which can take another 18 months.

That's a long time but it helps me to focus on the fact that one way or another we can have a baby in 3 years' time. I took that long to get a degree, I can take that long to get a baby!

And anything that happens before then is just a bonus.

Baby blues

My friend has just given birth to a baby girl but I am the one with the baby blues. Obviously I knew it was about to happen, and I am happy for her, but I can't help feeling seething jealousy at the same time.

When will it be my turn?

Both in the same boat

I'm sitting here with a hot water bottle 'warming my womb'. It's all part of the TCM approach to conception. I was hoping that the accunpuncture would regulate my cycle and move my ovulation day forward but I am now on day 18 with no sign of it yet.

We got C's SA results on Thursday. It wasn't terrible but it wasn't great. His main issue was the number of healthy sperm which was just 4%. That sounds insanely low but depending what you read, 15% or 5% is considered normal. I am hoping it is the latter.

So, it looks like we are both in the same boat. We each have issues, but at the moment nothing looks like it would outrightly stop us from conceiving. We just have to hope we babydance when we are both having a good day.

A time of new beginnings

It finally feels like Spring has sprung, the sun is shining and my garden is full of flowers. This time of year is all about new beginnings so I am hoping that my body can embrace some of that energy.

I had my 2nd accupuncture appointment yesterday and it is making me feel positive about the babydancing. I have no idea if it having any effect but I like and trust my accupuncturist and it is helping me take a more relaxed approach.

C gets the results of his sperm analysis tomorrow so I am hoping that isn't going to bring my relaxation to an abrupt halt. He is generally very laid back but I don't know how he will react if the tests show a problem. I am trying not to think about it until I have to.

A big babydancing day

As my accupuncturist stared at my tongue, I hoped she wouldn't see the packet of creme eggs I had munched my way through minutes earlier. Luckily, she tells me chinese medicine is all about balance, so as long as I counteract the creme eggs with my 5 a day I should be on track!

The creme eggs had been my pick me up after being told that it is very likely I have polycystic ovaries. My blood test results showed my progresterone levels were fine, which means I ovulated (yey!) but my hormone levels were topsy turvey. I am booked in for an ultrasound to make a firm diagnosis.  Although it's obviously disappointing, I am not surprised by this as I knew I had the symptoms and was ready to deal with it.

I went straight from the doctors to my accupuncture appointment which was surprisingly pleasant. Lying under a warm lamp I felt a bit like a chick that was ready to hatch - with the addition of quite a few needles!  I had them all the way from my forehead to my ankles to 'clear the damp in my system'.

C is unconvinced that accupuncture can aid fertliity but he is happy to support me if I want to give it a go, and I figure there's no harm in trying.

It was also a big day for C has as he took his 'sample' in that morning for his sperm analysis and we are back at the doctors again next week for the results. I hope more creme eggs won't be needed!

Business and babies

The sun is shining and I'm feeling really positive today. On the non-babydancing front life is going really well and I am a finalist in West Herts Entrepreneur 2011 - go me!! My life is busy, but I'm loving it and I am looking forward to spring arriving.

In babydancing news I have booked my first accupuncture appointment. I have read good things about it and I figure there is no harm in trying it out. C is a little more sceptical but the accupuncturist said it is best to wait for his SA results before he gets any treatment anyway.

I am going to take a more relaxed approach this month and stop the charting. It has been great to learn what is going on with my cycle but I find all the temp taking makes me a bit obsessive. I will carry on with the OPKs though as I want to make sure I don't miss my fertile window.

I am trying to relax and think that I will get pregnant when the time is right. This gives me more time to get my business to where I want it to be before motherhood kicks in so maybe that's why my body is waiting a few more months.

Making it happen

The problem with charting is that one errant temperature early in the morning can ruin your whole day. Yesterday my temperature dropped and although AF hasn't shown, it dropped again this morning so I think I can safely say I am out again this month. I drove C to the station, cursing at any driver who got in my way and then broke down in tears as he got out the car.

I think I've realised why I am finding my TTC journey so hard. I can't make it happen. I am generally very proactive and if I want to do something, whether it is career, travel or relationship related, I always make it happen. Well now I can't. And it's so hard.

Relax!!

As anyone who has been TTC-ing for a while will know, one of the most annoying things people can say is 'just relax and stop thinking about it'! AAaarrrgggh!!! You want to scream 'oh sorry, why hadn't I thought of that?! Someone should tell medical science that conception is all in the mind'.

The latest pearl of advice came from my friend who fell pregnant while on the pill. I am happy for her, and she had her own problems with a traumatic birth, but she has no idea what it is like to 'try' for a baby. I know she is only trying to say helpful things, and so is everyone else who offers their twopence worth, but I wish they wouldn't.

Unless someone knows where my 'off' switch is there is no way I am going to be able to just forget about TTC, even if I wanted to. I am that stage in my cycle where I am hoping any small twinge could be a sign of my BFP and preparing myself for the crash when it's not.

Postive thinking

I went for my blood test today and had a little cry in the car on the way. I was singing along to 'chasing cars' and just teared up. I feel like I am chasing this dream of having a baby and it's not getting any closer. I am 8dpo today and apart from on and off cramping, I'm not having any pregnancy symptoms and think I'm probably out this month. I have a tendency to look on the negative side though so here are 5 reasons why I should be positive about my TTC journey:

1) I have a great, supportive husband who wants a baby as much as me and will always lift my spirits
2) My GP listens to my concerns and takes me seriously
3) We are having tests so we will at least know if there is anything we can get help for
4) 8 months is not that long in the grand scheme of things
5) One of my best friends took a year to conceive her first, and now she has two

Grey skies and cookies

It's raining outside and my mood today matches the pallid grey palette of the sky. It's amazing how quickly that dull despondency sets in. One minute you are facing the world with positivity and then just a small step sees you hurtling downwards.

I got a letter from the doctors this morning saying they have had to cancel my blood test on Tuesday. No explanation. The test is to check my progesterone levels and has to be around a week after ovulation so is very time specific. The thought of waiting another month to get some answers is sending me speeding down that emotional rollercoaster with my hands in the air. 

As it's Saturday I can't get hold of the surgery to find out what's going on so there's only one thing for it - baking! It's the one thing that is certain to brighten up rainy days and grey moods. Something about methodically following a recipe, seeing the mixture transform and savouring the sweet, slightly naughty, result is guaranteed to lift the spirits. Chocolate and walnut cookies here I come!

DPO, CM, BFN. Understand? You must be TTC!!

I'm 2dpo today - or 2 days past ovulation for the un-initiated. It's funny, I spend half my working life telling people not to use acronyms and here I am sucked into the world of 3 letter baby making abbreviations!

I've been using a sperm friendly lubricant called Pre-seed this month to help C's sperm swim their way to my egg. My CM (cervical mucus) is fairly hostile, a bit like me with PMS really. I keep C in the loop about most my baby dancing initiaves - taking temperatures, ovulation tests, vitamins etc, but I draw the line at CM. I don't let him see me pee so really don't need to be discussing my internal bodily functions in detail!

I feel that we have done as much as we could to make a baby this month and if it's another BFN then at least we are booked in for our tests to hopefully find out why.

Now I just have to avoid the dreaded symptom spotting for the next two weeks. Headache and sick feeling? Must be pregnant. Can't be that I just ate a week's worth of chocolate. Sore boobs? Must be pregnant. Definitely nothing to do with doing Wii Fit with no sports bra on. Craving for orange juice .........well you get the idea.

The baby bomb

It's funny how the baby bomb can hit you out of nowhere. You're just going about your daily business and 'boom' the knot in the pit of your stomach tightens and the jealousy explodes.

Today I got an email from a friend I haven't heard from in over a year. A lot's changed she says. I'm a mum now. WTF? It's not supposed to happen like that. You're not married, you don't have a stable longterm relationship or a good career.

'It's not fair' I want to shout, like I'm thirteen years old again and not allowed to hang out with my friends at the fair. It's really not fiair.

There's no planning for the baby bomb. It ticks away silently making you think you're handling things fine and then down comes the debris, covering your day in a thin layer of dust that won't be swept away.

Testing, testing......

It's a strange thing getting what you want. Suddenly, you're not sure you actually want it any more.

I went to the doctors today to talk about my irregular cycles - anywhere between 29 and 50 days. I wanted him to take me seriously and do something about it and he did. He is sending me and C for fertility testing. Rather than being happy about it though, it suddenly made everything very real. Even the doctor thinks we might have a problem. That's scary.

The form he gave me has 'INFERTILITY TESTING' in bold underlined letters at the top. Infertility is a strong word. Barren, bare, not fit for purpose.

I hope the universe is laughing

The universe is having a laugh with me today. Knowing that I'm on my way to meet my heavily pregnant friend for lunch, AF has dished up some lovely cramps and backache just to let me know she's on her way. As my friend waddles over, I am all too well aware that my baby chances are over for this month.

It's been 6 months of babydancing now and nothing. No BFP, not even a faint evap line that could be seen if I squint and hold it sideways out the window. Zilch. Who knew it would be this hard?

After 13 years of desperately trying not to get pregnant, the irony of all those false alarms and panicked morning after pills is not lost on me. It's really quite funny, in a black humour, makes you want to cry kind of way.

To top it off my lunch partner got pregnant by accident. No crossed fingers, OPKs, symptom spotting or obsessively peeing on sticks. Just like that.

As we munch chips together and laugh about her husband's embarassing questions in birthing classes I can't help thinking I'd put up with the embarassing questions, slight waddle and craving for soft cheese, if it was just my turn.