The Gremlin

The good news is I'm not going to have to wait long for my results.

The bad news is, that's because they found something suspicious.

My doctor rang last night to tell me that the ultrasound showed a mass on my ovary that they need to investiagte. They think it is a dermoid cyst - a disgusting sounding thing that can grow its own hair and teeth! I've nicknamed it the gremlin. There is a very small chance it could be cancerous which means I get to skip the waiting lists and have an appointment with a consultant next Thursday.

To be honest, as silly as it may sound, this result has actually made me happier. It means I get seen quicker and that someone is now actually paying attention and can hopfeully help me. Of course I am a bit scared too. Not so much about the cancer possibility as I think this is highly unlikely, but that they may have to remove the cyst and possibly my ovary as well.

I am trying to stop my mind going into overdrive and worrying about all the possibilities.

Just taking baby steps (irony intended!) instead. 

The waiting game

I always thought my first trip to a maternity ward would be to joyously see my baby for the first time. Instead, I sat in a room full of pregnant women ready to excitedly see my cyst-covered ovaries!

Well, actually I didn't even get to see them as the ultrasound woman wouldn't tell me anything. Even more frustratingly she said 'there is definitely something going on there.' Great! Now I just have to wait for her to send the results to my GP so he can fill in the details.

I hate waiting at the best of times, so this protracted process is already driving me crazy. Sadly, I think we are probably just at the beginning of the waiting game as the lady also said I will probably need more tests.

When I see people who are pregnant or with babies I keep telling myself 'that's not your story' but I wish I knew what my story was.

Baby breakdown

My body was shaking and I fought back tears as my friend announced she was pregnant. I knew it was probably coming and had tried to psyche myself up for it but it still hit me like a ton of bricks. I managed to join in the congratulations and compose myself but as the baby talk continued my jealousy built and I finally broke down on another friend.

I am really happy for her but it simply brought home how not-pregnant I am and now, as she grows her bump and starts picking out baby names, it's only going to hit home more.

This is really hard.