It's raining outside and my mood today matches the pallid grey palette of the sky. It's amazing how quickly that dull despondency sets in. One minute you are facing the world with positivity and then just a small step sees you hurtling downwards.
I got a letter from the doctors this morning saying they have had to cancel my blood test on Tuesday. No explanation. The test is to check my progesterone levels and has to be around a week after ovulation so is very time specific. The thought of waiting another month to get some answers is sending me speeding down that emotional rollercoaster with my hands in the air.
As it's Saturday I can't get hold of the surgery to find out what's going on so there's only one thing for it - baking! It's the one thing that is certain to brighten up rainy days and grey moods. Something about methodically following a recipe, seeing the mixture transform and savouring the sweet, slightly naughty, result is guaranteed to lift the spirits. Chocolate and walnut cookies here I come!
Saturday, 26 February 2011
Thursday, 24 February 2011
DPO, CM, BFN. Understand? You must be TTC!!
I'm 2dpo today - or 2 days past ovulation for the un-initiated. It's funny, I spend half my working life telling people not to use acronyms and here I am sucked into the world of 3 letter baby making abbreviations!
I've been using a sperm friendly lubricant called Pre-seed this month to help C's sperm swim their way to my egg. My CM (cervical mucus) is fairly hostile, a bit like me with PMS really. I keep C in the loop about most my baby dancing initiaves - taking temperatures, ovulation tests, vitamins etc, but I draw the line at CM. I don't let him see me pee so really don't need to be discussing my internal bodily functions in detail!
I feel that we have done as much as we could to make a baby this month and if it's another BFN then at least we are booked in for our tests to hopefully find out why.
Now I just have to avoid the dreaded symptom spotting for the next two weeks. Headache and sick feeling? Must be pregnant. Can't be that I just ate a week's worth of chocolate. Sore boobs? Must be pregnant. Definitely nothing to do with doing Wii Fit with no sports bra on. Craving for orange juice .........well you get the idea.
I've been using a sperm friendly lubricant called Pre-seed this month to help C's sperm swim their way to my egg. My CM (cervical mucus) is fairly hostile, a bit like me with PMS really. I keep C in the loop about most my baby dancing initiaves - taking temperatures, ovulation tests, vitamins etc, but I draw the line at CM. I don't let him see me pee so really don't need to be discussing my internal bodily functions in detail!
I feel that we have done as much as we could to make a baby this month and if it's another BFN then at least we are booked in for our tests to hopefully find out why.
Now I just have to avoid the dreaded symptom spotting for the next two weeks. Headache and sick feeling? Must be pregnant. Can't be that I just ate a week's worth of chocolate. Sore boobs? Must be pregnant. Definitely nothing to do with doing Wii Fit with no sports bra on. Craving for orange juice .........well you get the idea.
Thursday, 17 February 2011
The baby bomb
It's funny how the baby bomb can hit you out of nowhere. You're just going about your daily business and 'boom' the knot in the pit of your stomach tightens and the jealousy explodes.
Today I got an email from a friend I haven't heard from in over a year. A lot's changed she says. I'm a mum now. WTF? It's not supposed to happen like that. You're not married, you don't have a stable longterm relationship or a good career.
'It's not fair' I want to shout, like I'm thirteen years old again and not allowed to hang out with my friends at the fair. It's really not fiair.
There's no planning for the baby bomb. It ticks away silently making you think you're handling things fine and then down comes the debris, covering your day in a thin layer of dust that won't be swept away.
Today I got an email from a friend I haven't heard from in over a year. A lot's changed she says. I'm a mum now. WTF? It's not supposed to happen like that. You're not married, you don't have a stable longterm relationship or a good career.
'It's not fair' I want to shout, like I'm thirteen years old again and not allowed to hang out with my friends at the fair. It's really not fiair.
There's no planning for the baby bomb. It ticks away silently making you think you're handling things fine and then down comes the debris, covering your day in a thin layer of dust that won't be swept away.
Tuesday, 15 February 2011
Testing, testing......
It's a strange thing getting what you want. Suddenly, you're not sure you actually want it any more.
I went to the doctors today to talk about my irregular cycles - anywhere between 29 and 50 days. I wanted him to take me seriously and do something about it and he did. He is sending me and C for fertility testing. Rather than being happy about it though, it suddenly made everything very real. Even the doctor thinks we might have a problem. That's scary.
The form he gave me has 'INFERTILITY TESTING' in bold underlined letters at the top. Infertility is a strong word. Barren, bare, not fit for purpose.
I went to the doctors today to talk about my irregular cycles - anywhere between 29 and 50 days. I wanted him to take me seriously and do something about it and he did. He is sending me and C for fertility testing. Rather than being happy about it though, it suddenly made everything very real. Even the doctor thinks we might have a problem. That's scary.
The form he gave me has 'INFERTILITY TESTING' in bold underlined letters at the top. Infertility is a strong word. Barren, bare, not fit for purpose.
Friday, 4 February 2011
I hope the universe is laughing
The universe is having a laugh with me today. Knowing that I'm on my way to meet my heavily pregnant friend for lunch, AF has dished up some lovely cramps and backache just to let me know she's on her way. As my friend waddles over, I am all too well aware that my baby chances are over for this month.
It's been 6 months of babydancing now and nothing. No BFP, not even a faint evap line that could be seen if I squint and hold it sideways out the window. Zilch. Who knew it would be this hard?
After 13 years of desperately trying not to get pregnant, the irony of all those false alarms and panicked morning after pills is not lost on me. It's really quite funny, in a black humour, makes you want to cry kind of way.
To top it off my lunch partner got pregnant by accident. No crossed fingers, OPKs, symptom spotting or obsessively peeing on sticks. Just like that.
As we munch chips together and laugh about her husband's embarassing questions in birthing classes I can't help thinking I'd put up with the embarassing questions, slight waddle and craving for soft cheese, if it was just my turn.
It's been 6 months of babydancing now and nothing. No BFP, not even a faint evap line that could be seen if I squint and hold it sideways out the window. Zilch. Who knew it would be this hard?
After 13 years of desperately trying not to get pregnant, the irony of all those false alarms and panicked morning after pills is not lost on me. It's really quite funny, in a black humour, makes you want to cry kind of way.
To top it off my lunch partner got pregnant by accident. No crossed fingers, OPKs, symptom spotting or obsessively peeing on sticks. Just like that.
As we munch chips together and laugh about her husband's embarassing questions in birthing classes I can't help thinking I'd put up with the embarassing questions, slight waddle and craving for soft cheese, if it was just my turn.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)