Cysts and sisters!

Wow, it's been two months since my last post! So what's been happening? A holiday in Cornwall, a new car, but most importantly:

*My little sister is 4 months pregnant

*I'm going in for surgery tomorrow

I am sorry to admit that my first reaction when I found out my sister is pregnant wasn't 'what brilliant news' but 'it should be me'. I felt guilty feeling that way but it is really difficult to deal with. Knowing that she is going to give my Mum her first grandchild and all the baby 'firsts' from then on. I am happy for her and being supportive but it hurts and there is no escaping it.

This weekend was particularly difficult as I went home to see my sister and also went to a friend's 30th birthday who is pregnant too. There was another pregnant girl there, who conceived in a few months and a guy who only got married in January and his wife is already 4 months pregnant. I feel such a failure when everyone around me seems to have no trouble getting pregnant and it does, as crazy as it may sound to someone who hasn't experienced it, make me feel like less of a woman. 

I am having my laparoscopy tomorrow to remove my dermoid cyst and I just want to get it done now and hopefully get some answers about what's going on. I am not looking forward to the recovery but it has felt like everything has been on hold the last few months and I just want to get out the other side now. 

The positive side of this whole situation is how supportive and wonderful my friends and family have been. When I have told people about the surgery I have decided to explain about the TTC and having it out in the open has made it easier for me.

Hopefully I can start making some positive steps forward with TTC now and look forward to welcoming a niece of nephew in November. 

My timemachine

The spinning centre of the CT machine made me feel like I was in a time machine. The lights spun, the machine whirred and I imagined being transported far away.

Where would I go, forward or back? Back to when life was simpler and I still had all my hope intact. When I was oblivious to what was going on inside me. Or forward? I'm hoping that if I travelled forward I would see the happy ending. The family scene that makes all this worthwhile.

But for now, I'm stuck with the present.

Who's the daddy?

I'm watching Jeremy Kyle, always a bad idea. Why the hell can these teenage Chavs reproduce like rabbits and I can't?

In Limbo

I haven't posted in the last few weeks because I haven't really known what to say. It turns out I have cysts on both ovaries. On the left it is 5cm and the right 10cm. When I realised how big 10cm was it totally freaked me out - that's the size of a large orange! I have no idea where it can be hiding as my stomach is not that big.

I have had bood tests and am waiting on a CT scan but right now I just feel in limbo, not quite knowing what's going on.
My husband is a great support but still keeps talking about 'when' we have children. I believe we will have a family but everytime he says that something tenses inside me and I think the chances of 'when' are fading to 'if'.

The Gremlin

The good news is I'm not going to have to wait long for my results.

The bad news is, that's because they found something suspicious.

My doctor rang last night to tell me that the ultrasound showed a mass on my ovary that they need to investiagte. They think it is a dermoid cyst - a disgusting sounding thing that can grow its own hair and teeth! I've nicknamed it the gremlin. There is a very small chance it could be cancerous which means I get to skip the waiting lists and have an appointment with a consultant next Thursday.

To be honest, as silly as it may sound, this result has actually made me happier. It means I get seen quicker and that someone is now actually paying attention and can hopfeully help me. Of course I am a bit scared too. Not so much about the cancer possibility as I think this is highly unlikely, but that they may have to remove the cyst and possibly my ovary as well.

I am trying to stop my mind going into overdrive and worrying about all the possibilities.

Just taking baby steps (irony intended!) instead. 

The waiting game

I always thought my first trip to a maternity ward would be to joyously see my baby for the first time. Instead, I sat in a room full of pregnant women ready to excitedly see my cyst-covered ovaries!

Well, actually I didn't even get to see them as the ultrasound woman wouldn't tell me anything. Even more frustratingly she said 'there is definitely something going on there.' Great! Now I just have to wait for her to send the results to my GP so he can fill in the details.

I hate waiting at the best of times, so this protracted process is already driving me crazy. Sadly, I think we are probably just at the beginning of the waiting game as the lady also said I will probably need more tests.

When I see people who are pregnant or with babies I keep telling myself 'that's not your story' but I wish I knew what my story was.

Baby breakdown

My body was shaking and I fought back tears as my friend announced she was pregnant. I knew it was probably coming and had tried to psyche myself up for it but it still hit me like a ton of bricks. I managed to join in the congratulations and compose myself but as the baby talk continued my jealousy built and I finally broke down on another friend.

I am really happy for her but it simply brought home how not-pregnant I am and now, as she grows her bump and starts picking out baby names, it's only going to hit home more.

This is really hard.